sometimes its just about what I need...

It's so weird stilling here at my desk, reading all the away messages about people heading back to Lehigh and starting classes... and me, instead here in Philly, working.
It's so odd.
Not bad, but I guess it really drove home, that for the first time in over 16 years, I'm not returning to school. I'm done... in the "real world"... I guess now I'm grown up. I guess it drove home some other things too. Like that fact that everytime I said that I couldn't wait to get to the "real world" and "start my life", I was actually just being full of it. Everyday from the moment you are born, you are in the real world, and that is your life. There is nothing else except what you do in all these modest daily journeys! Getting up every morning and going to class or work or whatever, that is what life is about. It's about interacting with those around you and just enjoying every moment. In some ways this makes me happy.

Like last night for example, Travis and I went for a nice walk. We've tried to make this a habit, although so far we've only done it twice! I guess you have to start somewhere though. Well the night was gorgeous... great weather (mid-60s) with no one around and billions of stars to look at. We just walked around at a nice leasurely pace and talked about whatever happened to be on our mind at the moment. I couldn't have been happier. I truly believe those are the best moments... the ones you just wish would stretch on and on, when you are at peace with everything around you.

Other times though it makes me sad to realize that this is my life... a job that leaves me only semi-fulfilled... debt that scares me, not because it is that much, but because it is just enough to keep me from being able to save right now. These things make me wish that I really could look forward to "starting my life". Saying to myself that my trip to China will really be living, or that once I get a better job my life will be more complete. But the truth of the matter is: THIS IS LIFE!
Every little facit of my job, my apartment, my surroundings, my interactions... the good and the bad parts... they are all my life, and always have been. While China will be truly amazing, and a better job would be nice... they won't make my life, but will simply be another aspect of it.

While it is still weird not heading back to Lehigh, I'm feeling a little better about it. It's a trade off really. If I were back at Lehigh, I wouldn't get to wake up next to Trav every morning, or take our evening walks... two of my favorite things about my life right now. Sure I miss my friends, but I know that the distance doesn't make them less of a friend... it just means I have to work on it a little more, and take a little more on faith.

Enjoy your life Lehigh'er... you're in the middle of the real world right now. Something which suddenly couldn't be clearer to me.

Ciao.

Me, a la 08/25/2004.

I needed to read this again. So you get to also.


Oh, and it seems like everyone is blah for blogger lately... probably 50% of my daily reads haven't been updated this week. At least its not just me suffering from lack of inspiration.
I actually do have a few things on my mind, but I really don't know that I can talk about them here. They are VERY private. Hmm...


On another note:



Good stuff. Okay, that's all for now.

the weekend update, attempt 2

Is anyone else having problems with the new blogger? Annoying!

This weekend was good. It felt so busy, but honestly, only Saturday was. Friday night I hit up the gym again like a good girl. It's going well and I've managed to not hurt myself yet... a major accomplishment I think. My elbow is giving me some trouble, but that started before I was going to the gym, and I think was worsened by sleeping on the floor this weekend (will explain). Once I got home we watched the next Star Wars and relaxed.

Saturday we got up, got ready, and headed out to see Willy. His birthday is tomorrow, so we took him out to lunch at his favorite restaurant. It's always fun to spend time with Willy... so a birthday meal was especially nice. We brought along all of the various gift cards we've been accumulating from Christmas, etc., and hit up Macy's, Lowe's, and Barnes & Nobles afterwards. Got lots of fun stuff including a wallpaper steamer, so I'll probably be steaming wallpaper off this weekend! :-) We can't paint everything right away, but that doesn't mean I can't get the rooms ready. Plus we still have a home depot gift card.... soo...

After that we headed to Slink & Lindsey's for another fun evening. More debauchery all around. Plus we stayed this time so no one would have to be the DD... hence where the painful sleeping on the floor came about. Ugh. I don't know that I can handle that anymore. I tossed and turned all night, getting up a few times to use the bathroom or get a drink. Finally at quarter to seven, I couldn't take it anymore. I gathered all of our stuff together, woke Trav up, and drove us home. We were home by a little after 7:30, back in bed by 8ish, and I slept like I was dead until about one in the afternoon. Man did I need that sleep.

The rest of the day we relaxed, ate, watched the rest of the Star Wars movies, then were in bed by 10:20! And again, I slept like the dead. Apparently I was a little behind.

Tonight, you guessed it, more gym! Also, more Ireland! Trav is heading to a travel agency down the road from his work... just to see what they have to offer. We also found a good fly/drive package online.


Hmm... what else. Honestly I'm afraid I'm boring everyone lately. I have nothing new to talk about. It's always going to the gym, and talking about Ireland, and today I did ABC. I'm not writing anything, or thinking deep thoughts that I want to publicly share... I'm avoiding news and politics (in general, not just here). I'm not feeling troubled, and my happiness is tied to "normal" things... day to day items, like spending a day shopping together, that while great for me, aren't super exciting read about! How about a blast from the past?

From 11/19/2002:

I can hardly begin to sum up how i've been feeling. The weekend was too quick, and i've been missing travis very much since then. But i was okay because i felt like i finally had things under control. I felt real good about my IR test, i was sure my Law test was going to go well also. And travis is coming on Wed. I am actually doing my reading on time, and i just was happy about things. So, this morning i took my Law test, and i have no idea how it went. I either did really well or really bad. Then i went to my IR class and got my test back.
well, i should preface this: i did really bad on the first test... REALLY bad. So this test i buckled down and worked harder then i think i've worked on a test in my whole time here at Lehigh. So i get my test back today and i got a C... a god damn fucking C. A friend of mine who didn't study until the night before the test did better then me. And so now i feel like shit. real shit.

That's the way things have been going for me lately. Just when i am feeling great... sure of myself and proud of how i am handling things, something like this happens and just pulls me back down into this feeling of bleakness. Like why the hell am i here? I've started to wonder if IR was the right major to choose... I love it, but obviously i can't do it, and i think that right now just having a major that i can do would be so much better. At least i'm doing something i love you say, but you know what... employers don't look at interest level as the main determinant for getting a job. I'm trying to be more positive though... i'm trying, i just don't know if it's working.

From 11/11/2003:

IR 344 is going to be the death of me. This paper is driving me crazy because I can't think of what I want to do it on, can't determine where to start, and will end up getting a D in this class (if i'm lucky) because of it. Professor Barkey looked at me in class today and asked how the paper was going... "its going" i believe was my exact responce. He asked if I want to meet... all I wanted to do was shout "HELL NO!!!!" But obviously I couldn't do that.
So now I have to meet with him next week and I have nothing to show him.

Nothing.

It's a very bad feeling.

From 12/02/2003:

In five years I'll be turning 26.

Career/Academics: Let's see... I'm in my last year at Lehigh, so in five years I'll have been out of college for 4 years. I hope to be established at my job by that point; working for the government in some way. I'm not sure if I'm going to start out with the government right after graduation, but by then that's where I want to be.

Family: Hmm... well, Travis and I will be married by then, for maybe 2 years or so. I don't see kids at that point, because I definitely want to enjoy my marriage for at least four years first. But maybe when I'm 27 or 28? As for both of our parents, I see us staying close to them, even if not geographically. We'll almost definitely be doing yearly vacations with his parents, and holidays with mine. At that point my brother will be in his senior year of HS, and hopefully we will still be as close as we are now. I really want Travis and my home to be a place that he can come to vacation and relax.

Social: My biggest goal will probably be to work at keeping up with all my close friends from college and my best friend since preschool, Heather. As spaced out geographically as my friends are, none are in DC, so if we do end up there... it will be interesting. At that point it will also be only a year away from both my 10 year HS reunion and my 5 year college reunion, both of which I will have to attend, just to see everyone again and catch up.

Financial: Hmm... by then I hope to be well on my way to having my student loans paid off, and Trav and I will probably have both car and house payments to make. I don't see this being a problem though, as we are both very good about saving. Also, neither of us needs a lot to be happy... just enough for food, shelter, and the basics. We have so much fun just going for walks together, etc. Hopefully we'll also be investing and starting a little pot for both our future children's futures, and for our own retirement.

Five years ago I was 16, not really even looking at or thinking about colleges yet, and was feeling like I was going to grow old alone. Lol! Oh how things can change. I really feel like my life just keeps getting better though, and I hope that is the continued trend.

That one is funny to read... I'm a year away from the five year point. And in the career section? A lifetime away. But the rest isn't bad!

From 04/27/2004:

I keep talking about how excited I am to leave. About how good it will be to get out. I'm ready to move on to the next stage of my life... But sometimes it just seems like its all moving too fast.
There are so many things I don't want to leave behind.

My roommates, simplicity, my freedom to not get up in the morning, and being able to walk to most of my friends houses.
There are things I'm going to miss so badly.

I have this reopened wound now. The past year and a half I've been able to forget it... but now, as always before, just when I feel like the soreness is gone, it comes back. With a vengence.

"Welcome Brothers old and young, welcome every loyal son..."
Sometimes words are not enough, and peoples sorry's aren't enough, and the fact that "i'm as much a 'chosen few' as anyone else" is not fucking enough....
Sometimes words where actions should have been are just not enough.

And when it comes at a time like this, with every other feeling piling on, it just hurts extra badly. I will miss Lehigh despite everything. And I will miss that one part especially. I've spent a good part of my four years there!
I'm ready to move forward. But maybe my heart is still hanging on.

Okay, last one...
From 04/19/2004:

I was listening to the radio the other day, and I heard the song by Goo Goo Dolls... hmm, well I can't remember the name, but it goes "well i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand. when everything's made to be broken, i just want you to know who I am." I hadn't heard this song in so long and it brought me the most incredible sense of nostgalia, and with it this overwhelming sensation of ... well, i guess the best word would be resignation or the like. Oh, there is definitely a better word for what it was, but my brain is failing me now (maybe even a perverse sort of acceptance).
Anyway, it was just the biggest reminder of my high school years. It was almost painful because, while I am happy being me, and with myself as I am today, I still feel like I lost something along the way. The line "you bleed just to know you're alive" takes on this whole glaring meaning when you spent so much time doing horrible things to yourself just to attempt to repress something that you now desperately wish you could get back.

It's weird to go back to revisit the past. Some old wounds seem so silly, others hurt just as much today as they did then. But its good to read that and know that I can finally say, "I'm happy", and really truly honest-to-G*d, mean it! It's funny to read that too and think... man, I would love to go back to school right now. Lol.

Okay, ciao!

Child of the 90s?

First things first... I just found out that apparently my mom stumbled onto my blog (hmm...). So, Hi Mom!!

Now, just to warn you, I'll be messing around with the look of A New Day in the next few days. I may end up making a lot of changes, and then just go back to this template... or I might find something all new. But who knows. Please reserve any "hate" for later. Thanks.

A second warning. I'm not feeling very creative today. I am very happy that its friday! But... not feeling creative.

So.. I'll leave you with this (it's good, promise):

I'm semi a child of the 80s and semi a child of the 90s. I was born in the very early 80s, but I "came of age" in the 90s. I find this very amusing.

You're a 90's kid if:

You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"
You can sing the rap to "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air"
You remember when Kurt Cobain, Tu Pac, River Phoenix, and Selena died.
You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey from "Blossom" and that "How Rude!" comes from Stephanie from "Full House"
You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
You remember reading "Goosebumps"
You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, wax off"
You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
You danced to "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls, Females: had a new motto, Males: got a whole lot gay-er. (so tell me what you want, what you really really want.)
You remember the craze, then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.
You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not...
Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show.
Captain Planet.
You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green Ranger were meant to be together. When playing power rangers with friends you fought over who got to be who............and still all ended up being Tommy.
You remember when super nintendo's became popular.
You remember watching home alone 1, 2 , and 3........and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"
"I've fallen and I can't get up"
You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates
Two words... Trapper Keeper.
You never got injured on a Slip 'n' Slide
You wore socks over leggings scrunched down
"Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back"
You remember boom boxes vs. cd players
You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool
You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"
You played and/or collected "Pogs"
You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere
You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles
NANCY DREW AND THE HARDY BOYS WERE THE BEST MYSTERY BOOKS
Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff!
All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand. (pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.)
You remember when the new Beanie Babies were always sold out.
You used to wear those stick on earings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.
You remember a time before the WB.
You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
You know the Macarena by heart.
"Talk to the hand" ... enough said
You thought Brain woud finally take over the world
You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"
You remember when everyone went slinky crazy.
You remember when razor scooters were cool.

When we were younger:
Before the MySpace frenzy...
Before the Internet & text messaging...
Before Sidekicks & iPods...
Before MIKE JONES...
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX...
...Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.
When light up sneakers were cool.
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie.
When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.
When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.
When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.

Way back.

Tag.
Hide-n-Go Seek at dusk.
Red Light, Green Light.
Heads Up 7 Up.
Playing Kickball & Dodgeball until your porch light came on.
Hopskotch.
Slip-n-Slides.
FoxKids on Saturday mornings.
Tree Houses.
Hula Hoops.
HELLO....HOT WHEELS!!!!!
"POWER OF LOVE" BY CELINE DION..ONLY COUPLES COULD SKATE TO THIS.
The annoying Giga Pets & Furbies.
Running through the sprinklers.
That "Little Mermaid"
Crying when Mufasa died in the Lion King.
Happy Meals where you chose a Barbie or a Hot Wheels car.
LiteBrites.
Getting the privelage to sit in the front seat of the car.
Drinking Sqeeze It "Squeeze The Fun Out Of It" CAPRI SUN
Watching Saturday Morning Cartoons in your PJ's still wrapped up in your TMNT, Power Rangers, Barbie, Fairy Princess comforter.
The original Power Rangers

Or what about: Hey Arnold.
Rugrats.
The Secret World of Alex Mac.
Ren & Stimpy.
Double Dare.
Rocko's Modern Life.
AAAHH!! REAL MONSTERS.
Wild & Crazy Kids.
Clarissa Explains it All.
Salute Your Shorts (CAMP ANAWANA)
Are You Afraid of the Dark?
Kenan & Kel.
Doug.
Magic School Bus.
Legends of the Hidden Temple
Hey Dude.
Dinosaurs.
Alladin.
Pinky and the Brain
Sailor Moon.
Blossom.
Hangin with Mr. Cooper.
Martin
Beavis & Butt-Head
Wishbone.
Bill Nye the Science Guy
MR RODGERS!!!!

Who could forget Snick? and Nick @ Nite with Bewitched, I Dream of Jenie, The Facts of Life & I Love Lucy.
Where everyone wanted to be in love after watching The Wonder Years.
PEE-WEE!!!
Kool-Aid was the drink of choice.
Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school.
The Land Before Time movies. All 18392893 of them.
Class field trips.
When Christmas was the most exciting time of year.
When $5 seemed like a million, & another dollar a miracle.
When you begged to go to McDonalds for dinner everyday.
When Toys R Us overuled the mall.

Go back to the time when:
Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'.
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming 'do over!'
'Race issue' ment arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was banker in 'Monopoly.'
It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
A chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery.
Scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enought to ride the 'big people' rides at the fair.
When playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever.
When Ninja Turtles ruled the world.
Another Baby Sitter Club book came out and you put your name on hold for it at the library.
When Aladdin was new, before the trilogy was complete.

Before we realized all this would eventually disappear.

Who would have thought you'd miss the 90s!!

random pics and such

Here it is Friday... Friday? No, Thursday... damn. Anyway, here it is Thursday and I'm posting what I wanted to post yesterday, but didn't get the chance to because 1) I was out at an event all morning and not at my computer, and 2) when I returned mid-afternoon blogger was being, well, a bitch. So, no post for you yesterday, sorry.

Lets see... Tuesday night was fun. Trav and I ate some dinner and watched the Labyrinth. I loved that movie as a little girl, and it is still one of my favorites. David Bowie as Jareth... hot! The makeup, the hair, the intensity... oh yeah.
But what I think is so funny now... the balls. Yes, I said it. Try to watch that movie now and tell me that you don't spend a good portion of it staring at his crotch. How can you not with those stretch pant things he's wearing. I will say, the man has nothing to be ashamed of.

Best picture I could find. Not that good... but you get the idea!
Anyway, it's still a good movie! :-)
So *cough cough*, the rest of the night. We talked about Ireland some, deciding where the important places were that we wanted to go, and then he went to bed early. I went to bed at a more normal time, and in the ~hour(ish) in between played online and looked up things about John Lennon (because he was on my mind for some reason). That man did like to be naked in his later days (see "Two Virgins" and other various 'for peace' and 'for music' shots taken with Yoko).

Anyway, the picture below is one of my favorites of him, and maybe one of my all time favorites. And yes, this is random, but what are you going to do about it?


Shot by Annie Leibovitz... who is just amazing.

What other contemporary photographer has produced as many indelible images of American pop culture? You know these pictures, from Whoopi Goldberg in the milk bath, to a nude and very pregnant Demi Moore, to the most famous picture of all: John Lennon, bare as a baby, curled around Yoko Ono, taken hours before he was killed. (The American Society of Magazine Editors recently voted the Lennon and Moore covers, which graced Rolling Stone and Vanity Fair respectively, the No. 1 and 2 magazine images of the past 40 years.) Leibovitz has become the master of the highly theatrical portrait, carefully staged in elaborate settings with witty props—pictures that have often come to define the image of her sitters.

From an article I wish I had remember to get the link for...

The interesting thing about this picture is that it was taken only a matter of hours before he died, and not printed until it was postmordem.

Anyway, less random.
Yesterday was fine. I went to the gym again... yay me. I'm trying to make a routine of it, so like it or not, off I go (MW&F). So far, so good, but I don't want to overdo it and end up in pain. A little sore, no problem... but once there is pain, I'm done for. It was good though. More weight work... I can't ever find a free treadmill. Annoying.
After that it was home again. Trav and I watched another movie... the first Star Wars. That was pretty much it though. Another relaxign evening.

As for today. It's going faster then I had hoped for. Especially considering I thought it was Friday. Oh well. Tonight? Probably another movie.... maybe some CSI... a lot more laziness I'm sure. And that is all I've got for you! Back to work for me.

Ciao.