A relaxing, home-based (present wrapping, errand running, movie watching, and Quaker church going) weekend was just what the doctor ordered... but doesn't leave a lot to report. Probably a good thing as my head is pounding at the moment, and I think I need to take a break from looking at the computer. A water main broke on the street outside my building over the weekend, and the heinously loud drone of the machinery they are using to fix it is make my head ache, and the pressure behind my eyes build.

Back tomorrow.

CM: one and done

Below is my most recent Connected Mom post. I've written on this topic before, but it was on my mind after my recent newborn snuggles. So here's my updated take on the matter.

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My husband and I are young. I'm 30 and he's 32. So I say the following with the caveat that there is plenty of time should we change our minds. But I don't think we will.

See, before having kids I was always so sure that two would be our perfect number. Now, now I think that what we have shouldn't be messed with. I can't even fathom adding another person into the mix.

Before Gwen, there was such intense longing for a baby. Now, I feel no need for a second child, no desire to upset our balance, no longing to go through the baby stages again. I feel content with Gwen, complete as our unit.

Sure, in the back of my mind there is a little voice that whispers of the relationship I have with my brother, Ethan, and our amazing bond. A little part of me feels badly "denying" Gwen that relationship. I wonder if I'm forcing her to miss out on a great relationship and a ton of memories? Denying her future kids the pleasure of Aunts and Uncles? Making things harder for her when Trav and I get old and she has to deal with us on her own?

But who is to say that a sibling would be any of those things to her?

If we did have another, I'm positive the love would be there. I'm sure that I would take my first glances at the little one that had grown in my womb and feel nothing but amazement. I would wonder how we ever considered not doing it.

But would we be able to do less of certain things? Less of the traveling we want to do with Gwen? Less one-on-one? And its silly, but I worry what if I don't love the second one as much? Or worse, what if I love it more?

From an AP standpoint, would I be able to parent the way I wanted with a very attached little girl, and a newborn in need of much attention? Would I get touched out that much sooner? Would have have the "gas" to get me through 3 more years of breastfeeding if that's what the babe decided? I would have patience enough for Gwen and a second, when sometimes I feel I don't have enough patience for just my almost 3 year old? Would I be able to find and keep a balance in my life, between being the hands on Mama I love being while still being a wife and sometimes just Meegs? Something I'm really just getting a handle on now?

Recently, I visited with a friend and her newborn baby boy. I adore babies, I really do, and I loved every second of holding and snuggling with the grumpy little old man. But it really hit me at that moment, as much as I loved holding and snuggling this baby... I am happy not to do it again. I don't want sleepless nights and crying that I'm not sure how to fix. I don't want the helplessness. I don't.

We remind ourselves that decisions at this point don't have to be infinitely binding. That my brother and I are close as can be at 7 years apart. But at this point we've given away all the baby clothes. We've started giving away all the gear. And eventually, "not deciding" will be a decision.


How many kids do you have? If you have one, will you have more? Why or why not? If you have more then one, how did you know having number two (etc) was what was right for you? 

christmas this and a bris that...

I meant to write this Monday... but I had a busy morning, then a killer headache by afternoon. It lasted me through the evening, put me to bed early, and woke me to take Tylenol at 2 in the morning. Thankfully by wake up call on Tuesday (which came a little later then normal, as Gwen slept in - Hallelujah!), I was feeling better again. But then I had already wanted to participate in Just Write, so I put it off again. But now I can catch up, and tell you about our weekend.

Though I missed all my normal weekend events (monthly Ridley Creek clean up, and the Quaker meeting), this was a very full, fulfilling weekend.

Saturday Ro hosted a cookie exchange. I made Chocolate - Peppermint Marshmallow Sandwiches. Recipe:

They are yummy. I ended up with lots of yummy cookies, and had a great time seeing some ladies I haven't seen in a while. 

Sunday was baby Edden's Bris. I'd never been to one, and it was neat to attend. The circumcision itself is difficult... anything that makes a brand new baby cry is hard to hear, and I couldn't look at poor Tally's face. However, the rest of the ceremony was beautiful, and it was a treat to be there to help welcome him to this life and his faith.

Mama and baby are doing well, and it is wonderful to see Tally as a Mother. It is a role that fits her well.

We spent the rest of Sunday setting up our tree and putting out the Christmas decorations. This is the first year that Gwen is really getting Christmas, and her excitement is a lot of fun. I'm enjoying weaving the whole thing together for her, explaining that Christmas is the celebration of Jesus's birthday, and telling her about St. Nicolas who gave presents to the orphans to celebrate, and who we now call Santa Claus, who gives presents to all the children. We already have plans to sort through her toys and find things she doesn't play with anymore to donate to kids who don't have toys. She really is such a great kid.

Monday... well, Monday started off rather poorly. Henry, my hermit crab, died during the night. It sounds silly to be sad about it, he was only a hermit crab after all, not cuddly or particularly involved in our daily lives. Plus, as far as hermit crabs go, he was old! But, I am sad. I'd had Henry for 8.5 years! I'm not looking forward to when Gwen comes in looking for him, and I have to explain that he's gone.  :-( 

Now its Wednesday and I'm working from home today this week. Off to get some work done before I hang Christmas lights at lunch, and head to yoga after work.

mini-frustrations {just write}

If I had a little computer in bed with me at night, when I'm trying to fall asleep, or in the shower with me in the morning, when I'm trying to wake up, then this place would be full of thoughtful, well put together posts. Instead, I write them beautifully in my head, only to have them fall apart by morning, or by the time I get to work and the morning slows down enough for me to write. Try as I might, those sentences become scattered words, and I can't seem to stitch them back together in the same way. Its frustrating.

Also frustrating. "Friends" who fall in and out of your life like the tide, and only appear when they NEED. I'm happy to give to my friends, and I'm not the best communicator in the entire world, but if you only come to me when you are asking me for something... well. I had one of those "friends" approach me recently, then when they got the information they wanted, thought not the answer they hoped for, suddenly the plans we were discussing became less "definitely, can't wait," and more "we'll see." Its expected, I shouldn't be disappointed, but I am.


Linking up with Just Write.